Humor By Marc J. Sirois
Ahlan: Greeting used by friendly sorts to make one feel welcome. Note: Also used by villains to lull their victims into a false sense of security.
Arab League: Regional organization specialized in undertaking projects it cannot possibly hope to complete.
Assassination: An increasingly common means of political expression.
Baabda Palace: (Empty) seat of the Lebanese presidency.
Bekaa Valley: Fertile region nestled between Lebanon and Anti-Lebanon mountain ranges. Known for amazing Roman ruins and all manner of high-quality produce, some of which make the ruins even more amazing.
"Birth pangs of the new Middle East:" How US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice described the summer 2006 war in which the Israeli military killed 1,200 Lebanese, most of them civilians. Clear indicator that Dr. Rice is confused about the order in which the reproductive cycle takes place.
Beirut: Center of the universe.
Civil disobedience: What do-gooding Westerners have been telling Arabs and Muslims to adopt for a generation or two.
Civil War: 1) 1975-1990 conflict in Lebanon that killed as many as 250,000 people; 2) Next conflict in Lebanon that might kill even more people. Precise date to be determined.
Coup d'etat: What Western governments have called it when Lebanon's opposition uses civil disobedience.
Democracy: 1) A political system in which the general public holds the ultimate authority to decide the manner in which it is governed; 2) A word used by politicians to keep the people from having any idea what they're being asked to vote for.
Dog: 1) Domestic pet; 2) Word your older and wiser publisher won't let you use to describe those who richly deserve it.
Electricite du Liban: Provider of electricity and, more frequently and reliably, of fairytales about how much power it is providing.
European Union: Bloc of affluent European countries that provides useful aid and advice to Lebanon. Receives little thanks and is routinely ignored.
Leadership: Alien concept in which someone with courage and wisdom uses them to better the lives of others. Banned on all Lebanese territory, including territorial waters out to 12 nanometers.
Left: 1) A political movement defined by claims to represent the interests of the common man. Virtually extinct in Lebanon since being subsumed by big money; 2) What Lebanese have historically done - and are doing now - to escape the consequences of their politicians' serial shenanigans.
Foreign interference: What Lebanese political parties accuse their rivals of encouraging, even as they openly do so themselves.
Grand Serail: Large building from which the Cabinet operates (on a good day).
Hariri, Rafik: Late five-time prime minister assassinated in 2005 and presumably nauseated ever since by what has happened to his country.
Hizbullah: "Party of God." Powerful movement based on confrontation with Israel, supply of social services to historically disenfranchised community, and austere religiosity. Only thing in Lebanon that works as advertised but pursues risky strategies that threaten to destroy that which it has fought so hard to achieve.
Iran: 1) Model society; 2) Theocracy;
3) Player.
Israel: Nasty neighbor. Individual citizens met in airports are often perfectly normal, but ruling class is led by mystic racists bent on punishing Arabs for monstrous but decades-old crimes perpetrated, in any event, by an Austrian who was himself a mystic racist.
Lebanon: A magical but forlorn place stuck between two devils and the deep blue sea. Filled with beautiful scenery, great food and wonderful people who don't get along very well.
Lebanese: Yeah, right. Note: To attempt a definition would be to help determine date of next civil war.
March 8 Forces: Opposition alliance named for largest mass demonstration in Lebanese history.
March 14 Forces: Government alliance named for largest mass demonstration in Lebanese history.
March 11 Forces: Small group of pragmatists sick of both March 8 and March 14 but itself in competition with other independents.
Nijmeh Square: Rumored site of Lebanese Parliament. Nothing happens there, and little that was useful ever did.
Politics: 1) The art and science of using the trappings of government to steal from the general public; 2) The art and science of calling people (including other thieves) names when they accuse you of stealing.
Sectarianism: Formula by which Lebanese remain serfs controlled by competing Mafia families.
Sectarian strife: Tensions between believers in rival superstitions, usually stirred in concert by competing Mafia families to keep the masses from noticing that they are all being screwed - left, right, and center - by sectarianism.
Somalia: What Lebanon is aspiring to become.
State: Figment of many imaginations.
Syria: Nasty neighbor. Source of most evils that don't come from Israel.
United Nations Interim Force in Lebanon: Peacekeeping mission established after 1978 Israeli invasion of South Lebanon. Note: In this context, "Interim" means either "Indefinite" or "Permanent."
United Nations: Organization of sovereign states that pretend to act in concert but are prevented from doing so by veto-wielding great (and formerly great) powers. Sets myriad rules for relations among peoples and nation-states but enforces them selectively. World's leading manufacturer of acronyms - e.g. UNDP, UNAMID,UNESCO,UNICEF, UNPROFOR, UNTSO, etc.
United States of America: 1) The Great Satan; 2) The Great Savior; 3) Useful Idiot. 4) Dangerous Idiot.
Zaim: A holder of traditional authority in an Arab society, generally without merit of any sort save widespread belief in how his great-grandfather hid wheat from the Ottomans. Note: The zaim typically lives in a large home but is often cash-poor owing to his having squandered the proceeds of his ancestors' crimes and/or been pushed out of his own racketeering ventures by other zuama (plural); if you visit such a home, watch your wallet.
Warlord: Individual who commanded militia forces during Civil War, responsible for loss of hundreds, thousands, or even tens of thousands of innocent human lives. Most now playing roles as respectable politicians and managing to fool large numbers of people here and abroad.
Marc J. Sirois is managing editor of The Daily Star.
